Twenty Thoughts of Number XIII
by Crystal Meadow
Summary: Twenty different looks into the mind of the Key of Destiny throughout his long life. Readers should also read the disclaimer because while fire is pretty, it isn't fun to get flamed.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters and stuff like that, and yes, I _am _a fangirl, so there is slash in this. If you don't like that and were to lazy to read the disclaimer, well, that sucks for you, because it doesn't really kick in until the last couple of numbers. This is the first fanfic that I've done for this fandom so critique is welcome (I'm working on another that was the spawn of watching 3 of the Crow movies multiple times in a 4 day time span and having Kingdom Hearts on the brain, but that is neither here nor there). Other than that, please read and tell me what you think.

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Twenty Thoughts of Number XIII

1. When I first showed up in the Organization, my eyes immediately went to the red head with the acid green eyes. When I later found out that he controlled fire I wasn't surprised. He even acted like a fire with his pension to get angry and go from a pleasant candle flame to a raging forest fire in less than a second. When I commented on the fact that he was, 'mentally unstable and probably as bipolar as Demyx,' he only looked at me and laughed before he went to go see what was for dinner.

2. I tried to stay apathetic to the whole Organization. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that it was held together by gum and duct tape. I especially didn't want to get close to VIII, the whole 'play with fire and you're going to get burned' thing and all. Unfortunately, it didn't work; concerning VIII, or anyone else in the Organization.

3. I had always heard stories on how unpredictable Axel was. How one day he would be your best friend and the next, he would be standing over your body with a bloody knife. Despite the warnings and the stories, I never saw a reason to be scared of Axel. There was one time though, that I saw the demon that everyone said he was. The look on his face after what Vexen did chilled me to the bone. Axel was ready to incinerate the Chilly Academic until I grabbed his arm and shouted his name. He turned those eyes to me, still in that deathly glare. He must have seen something in my eyes because he instantly calmed down until he was no longer a fire from hell, but was just his regular campfire self. I never forgot the look on Vexen's face, like something amazing happened and it only made me wonder more about the Axel that was here before I showed up.

4. After the incident with Vexen, somehow, I had become the official keeper of the Flurry of Dancing Flames. It was my job to make sure that he wouldn't set the library on fire (again), or blow up Vexen's lab (again), or burn Larxene's undergarments (again), or do any of the other numerous things that would cause destruction to the Organization involving fire. It was a hard job but it did let me have every other member be in debt to me nearly all of the time. Besides, it had the most amusing results when I "forgot" to do it.

5. The whole Organization was strangely connected. Most of us weren't friends with each other. I barely talked to anyone other than Axel, and even then that was to Demyx and Zexion. If one of us were injured though, Vexen and Xaldin would put them back together. The others would take on extra missions and work, without being asked, so that when they got better, they wouldn't have a stack of work waiting for them. It hurt everyone on some level when it was only VIII who came back from Castle Oblivion. I think it hurt even worse to think that Axel wasn't the only person playing sides.

6. I could always equate Axel's mood to a certain type of fire. When he was a campfire, we would hang out with Demyx and mess with the other numbers. When he was a in his forest fire moods, we would destroy heartless all day until his temper finally cooled. When he was only a candle flame, we would go to Twilight Town and eat sea salt ice cream until he would either tell me what was wrong or would forget about a it completely and would then want to go terrorize the citizenry of the town. When I walked away from him that night and heard those last words, my step faltered. I always had a picture of the type of fire Axel was at the moment, me being his keeper and all, it was a habit I had developed, but my mind went blank and it truly terrified me. There was no campfire, no forest fire, no candle flame, not even a spark. I had already made up my mind though so I kept going and tried to ignore the feeling that that loss of flame wouldn't be permanent and that he didn't need me there. Those thoughts allowed me to keep walking, though they didn't make me feel any better.

7. After I lost my memory and was placed in the fake Twilight Town and saw Axel for the first time, I was confused to say the least. My body wanted to go up and hug the man and make him feel better, but the logical part of my mind said that I didn't know this stranger and that all I needed were answers. The logical part of my mind didn't make the situation of fighting the redhead with the acid green eyes feel any less wrong.

8. After I joined with Sora, I just lazily watched the happy peppy boy cleave the darkness of every world. I didn't really feel anything for most of the trip. I felt kind of angry when Yen Sid was explaining the concept of nobodies to Sora (Would it have been that bad to reach over and punch the self-righteous 'they aren't _really_ alive', bastard in the face?). Only when he destroyed the other members did my newly found heart kick in. It cracked when Demyx let out his scream, but it shattered when I saw Axel give his final attack. All I could say was 'no' and 'why' when I slowly watched the closet person to my soul, heart now, slowly fade away.

9. I was waiting patiently for Sora to come to Memory's Skyscraper. I wanted to see what my other was really like. After we fought, I felt a little better inside. He really meant the words he said. He might have been a little too peppy for my tastes, but he was made of strong stuff and could handle what the Organization would give him. I couldn't really say I would help Sora, but I knew he could do it anyways. What put me the most at ease though and let me sit back and watch the show, was that Axel didn't sacrifice himself for someone who didn't deserve it.

10. When Sora came back to Destiny Islands after he saved the worlds, again, he picked up a strange habit along the way. Riku would always make fun of him for it because he would always catch Sora just staring at a lit candle, or any other fire source for that matter. He timed him once for 15 minutes before he got bored and snapped Sora out of it. Sora never said anything though because the only time that Roxas would feel even slightly happy was when he was looking at a fire. Sora didn't mind letting his mind wander while Roxas relived his happy memories, it was the least he could do for his nobody.

11. Because I forgot, I lost Axel. I promised myself that I would never forget again, and no matter how many lives I'm reborn in, I'll always keep that promise. I don't want to lose Axel because I forgot again.

12. The first time I was reborn, I was confused. I had a feeling that I shouldn't be sitting here coloring in my kindergarten classroom, but that I needed to go look for something. It made more sense after I got my memories back, but it was still weird. Everyone was there, everyone except one. I spent my whole life traveling the globe, just trying to find him. It was crushing when I lay on my deathbed and had not seen the garish red I had spent a whole lifetime looking for, but I didn't worry. I had a promise to keep, and I wasn't going to rest until I fulfilled it.

13. I'm always surprised when I get to a new life. Sure, some things are always the same; Sora's always my brother, Namine is related to Kairi, the usual. It's the fact that Xemnas, Vexen, and Zexion are our college professors; Demyx and Xigbar always befriend Sora; Luxord and Xaldin are still drinking buddies that invite anyone within a mile radius to join them, these are the things that always throw me. What gets me though is that they don't remember, they never remember. My fate was always tied to the Organization and Sora, but some days it made me want to scream. Every other person I'd ever known ran into me, but not him, never him. I barely had the will to go on sometimes, but Sora or Demyx or Zexion, or some combination of the three, would sit there with me all day without saying a word and give me these _looks_ that made me wonder if maybe, they didn't really forget at all.

14. If there's something that I've learned with being Sora's brother for numerous lifetimes, it's this; -

_  
"I swear to god Sora, if you're angsting in that corner because of Riku, I _will _smack you upside the head."_

_"But Roxas, I kissed him and –_SMACK_- OWWW!"_

_"I warned you. Now go back there and tell him that you love him before the '_Prince of Darkness_' starts cutting himself because his 'light' ran away." Sora's eyes got big before he ran out of the house and down the street to Riku's._

- Sora is gay, he will _always _be gay, and will _only _be gay for Riku. That and-

_  
"Damnit Roxas. You know that sarcasm goes right over Sora's head. Now he won't leave me alone and is intent on stealing all of my razors."_

_"Sora needed a good prod to get going though Riku. You should be thanking me, or he never would have shown up again. So, you're welcome. Have fun Riku. Oh, and remember, protection."_

_"Roxas, don't you dare-" I hung up and took a deep breath. Then I collapsed on the ground and laughed for 5 minutes straight._

- Riku was really fun to piss off.

15. The strangest thing about reincarnation, or whatever it was, was that it didn't discriminate on where it put me. Sure, I was still always human, or close enough at least, but sometimes I would get thrown into these strange worlds; I think that I even ended up in _Wonderland _once. Sometimes I'll get to be a normal teenager, other times I'll have to take up Oblivion and Oathkeeper again. Still other times I've been one of many numerous mythical creatures. It never fails to freak me out when one morning I wake up and remember, 'I didn't always have a shark tale for my lower body'.

16. Back in the day, I had one of the hardest glares in the organization. I could stare down Xemnas himself when I got in the right mood. I think I even made Xigbar flinch one time. It was a skill that only improved with time. I never really gave a thought about what others thought about it, I just knew that it got results. After awhile though, in my 20th or so life (they get really hard to count after awhile), I noticed that Sora would avoid me for hours on end, whenever I got angry, not even at him, but anyone. One day, I finally cornered Sora and asked him about it. His answer was . . . jarring to say the least.

_"It's . . . it's this look that you get. Your eyes get so hard and cold, like you're a soldier in the middle of the war, willing to do anything. It's like you've seen all the horrors of the world . . . like you're one yourself. I'm scared that you might look at me like that someday."_

I made sure to never get mad at Sora after that, to make sure that I was never angry around him at all, because the sad fact was, I _was_ one of the horrors of the world. The nobody in me never really left. When I get angry, I can feel my emotions, conscience, _heart_, draining away, and I become a nobody again, if only for a moment. This Sora isn't a battle-hardened warrior; he doesn't need to see those types of things again. Besides, it's what a good brother would do.

17. I can see why . . . he, was such a pyro. Usually one of the first purchases I get is an expensive zippo lighter that I keep with me all my life. It's really therapeutic to burn something. Sora would always get mad though whenever he had to bail me out of jail. It was alright though, a couple of well placed references to the last time he was drunk would ensure that he would stop complaining and come pick me up, even if it _was _3:45 in the morning on a Monday night.

18. I remember my first couple lives, my parents would always take me to a psychiatrist. Apparently I had a hallucination problem (I tried to play the 'I was talking to Jim my imaginary friend' card, but that only makes them look at you more when you're over 15). I would gesture and talk to things around me that no one else could see. I didn't do it all the time, but sometimes I would slip up and outwardly acknowledge them when someone else was there. I couldn't help it though, I always had a soft spot for them (we all did in a way, Demyx would spend _hours_ with his, and Axel would use their help to play pranks on the Organization). Besides, how was I supposed to know that they would follow me through my next lives. I'm happy though. I enjoy their company over most peoples' and they help keep the loneliness at bay when I am searching. The best part though, with them around, I can guarantee that my sword skills will never get rusty.

19. All this time, in the back of my mind, I thought that he was doing it on purpose, that he was still angry at me. How could I have met everyone else, but him, in _every single life_. I learned something though.

_  
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw it, the garish red that I hadn't seen in eons. I nearly set my shirt on fire with my lighter as I fumbled to put it away and go after him. He had already turned the corner and had become absorbed into the crowd, but as soon as I was about to give up, I saw it again, nearly at the end of the street._

_I ran after him, not seeing the people in front of me, only that one small spark of red that wasn't getting any closer. I wanted to scream his name to get him to stop, to turn around, _to not go_, but my voice wouldn't work. It was all I could do to keep my legs moving after him._

_I had lost him thanks to the abnormally tall group of tourists, but I pushed through them and saw that I was close to a park. I took a chance and started running again along one of the smaller paths that I knew ran around to the lake. When I finally got there, I nearly started to cry. The whole park was empty. It was still during the workday so no one was there._

_When I was about to collapse, I heard something, a song being hummed. It was the song that gave the Hall of Melodies its name. I turned toward it and my body shut down. His hair was pulled back and he had a tattoo on his arm, but he also had a small pair of key chains that looked oddly like chakrams and a huge numeral eight on the back of his shirt._

_My body slowly started to regain its function. My legs wobbled as I turned towards him and my eyesight started to blur, but my voice had finally remembered how to work, and I was finally able to voice the one thought, no, _word_, that never left my head._

"AXEL!" _He turned around and I was able to see a flash of those acid green eyes before my face collided with his chest and I held him for all I was worth. His body was tense for a moment before I felt a hand going through my hair and soothing words in my ear._

_"There you are Rox. I was starting to think that you were avoiding me," he rumbled, a smile in his voice. I couldn't say anything because I was crying so hard. After the near eternities I spent searching, ever searching, I finally found him. He was here, _he was here_, and I could feel a weight lift off of my shoulders. I always had a soul, and I might have gained a heart, but I had finally found the one thing that could tie the two together.  
_

I learned that he had never stopped searching. That after everything that I did to him and put him through, he still looked for me. I learned that he needed me like I needed him.

20. My lives are always basically the same; Sora's always my brother, Namine is related to Kairi, the usual. Now though, there is a difference, an added something that wasn't there before (a red, loud, obnoxious, sometimes on fire, loving something if you want to get specific). We don't have to search for each other anymore, now we can finally start to enjoy, _to live_, our second chance, our next life.

- - - - - - - - -

A little boy, no older than 10, waited by the door, glaring at his cousin as he tried to make his hair stand up. The little boy's cornflower blue eyes hardened into a glare as he stared at the older male. The older one saw this and settled with letting the more stubborn strands fall around his face instead of rising the ire of the child even more.

He turned and apologized as he grabbed the child's hand and walked out the door and towards the park where the play date was to take place. There were no words spoken, but the soft humming of a too familiar song softened the silence.

As soon as they entered the park, the boy began to fidget and get excited. The older only gave a happy smile that his overly mature little cousin was actually acting his age. They finally made it to the play area of the park and the little one bounded forward and started waving his hand.

"Axel, we're here!" The red head, who was only a couple years older, looked up and smiled from the large whole he was digging from.

"Rox, help me with the sand castle!" he yelled back. The little blond twisted out of the older's grip and bounded off to the sandbox.

The blond just stood there, even his hair slightly wilting in confusion, until two pale arms wrapped around him from behind snapped him out of it.

"I didn't tell him that it was Axel though," he said, staring at the children that acted like they were already the best of friends.

"I said not a word about Roxas as well. They remember, just like we do. Let them enjoy their happy ending. It was a very long time coming," the smaller purple haired male said in his quiet voice. The blond only nodded and watched the two happy children make their sand castle. After a minute though, his brain finally started to register what they were actually making.

"Uh, Zex, are they making what I think they're making?" Zexion craned his head over his boyfriends shoulder and quietly chuckled as he to saw what had made the happy blond so nervous.

"I told you they remembered."

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Author's Notes: This is just because I wanted to add on some author commentary. Personally, my favorite parts were 14, 15, 18, and the last little scene.

14 came from the thought that so many other people have them reincarnated into so many different worlds, what if they did remember? I would like to think that Roxas at least would have that type of reaction.

15 was just some comic relief and because I'm a shameless fangirl. The scene just popped up in my head so clear, I couldn't help but write it in. I can almost see an angry Riku on the phone yelling at Roxas while he holding a shaving razor out of Sora's reach.

For anyone who didn't get it in 18, the samurai nobodies followed Roxas through his lives but only he could see them. I would like to think that the members liked their own personalized nobodies, I know I would, and I just thought it would be cute and a nice tie in to 16.

And for the last scene, again, it showed up so clear that I had to write it. Not to mention the fact that a 10 year old Roxas and a 12 year old Axel in the park with their cousins building a sand Castle That Never Was makes the cutest scene. If I had any artistic talent what so ever, I would probably have books full of scenes like those.

Anyways, thanks again, and I hoped that you liked the story.


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